


and i like you

by littlelionvanz



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-27
Updated: 2014-05-27
Packaged: 2018-01-26 18:40:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1698605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelionvanz/pseuds/littlelionvanz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They still can’t say it and it hangs in the air like something heavy and suffocating. The remaining minutes of the drive back to St. Agnes’ is spent in agonizing hyper-aware silence, their chests heavy and mouths opening and closing and lips being chewed on. They aren’t looking at each other and that makes everything better and worse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and i like you

**Author's Note:**

> title comes from "400 Lux" by Lorde.

There’s a lot of things they need to say, but don’t. A lot of periods of silence between them where they both think that the gentle hum of the BMW, or roar of Adam’s tri-colored jalopy, or the cricket symphony of Henrietta suffice enough. But they don’t and they know it. Ronan isn’t scared if Adam knows his second secret, but won’t say it outloud. He just can’t. But he wants him to know.  
  
It’s one night, one of the last scorching nights of summer where the asphalt is slick with humidity, where Adam says it. Softly, curiously.  
  
“Why me?” He’s tired and he’s not looking at Ronan.  
  
Ronan doesn’t look back but keeps his eyes hard-focused on the night road ahead. “Why you what?”  
  
Adam turns his head, resting it on the window of his passenger side door. He says it again, softer. And sadder. “Why _me_ , Ronan?”  
  
He says it like “Why not Kavinsky? Why not Gansey?”  
  
To which Ronan shrugs, “Why not?” That part has always been simple.  
  
They still can’t say it and it hangs in the air like something heavy and suffocating. The remaining minutes of the drive back to St. Agnes’ is spent in agonizing hyper-aware silence, their chests heavy and mouths opening and closing and lips being chewed on. They aren’t looking at each other and that makes everything better and worse.  
  
Ronan glides the BMW to a stop and Adam doesn’t get out right away. He shifts his gaze down to his lap, and then the radio, and then Ronan’s hands where they’re draped over the steering wheel. All sharp edges and he’s wondering what it would be like if he touched him. If it would hurt, or if he’d be shockingly soft. The same hands that care for Chainsaw can’t always be violent right? Ronan takes a deep breath and looks over at Adam; first his lap, then his face, then his eyes. He’s wondering what would happen if he asked Adam to stay. But he doesn’t have to because its been several minutes and Adam still hasn’t gotten out yet.  
  
He’s stuck and Ronan is stuck on him. He wants to tell Adam that of course it’s him. _Why wouldn’t it be him? Why can’t it be him?_ Gansey was family and Kavinsky was dangerously psychotic, because plain dangerous wasn't enough. Adam was strong, even if he didn’t see it. A marvel, a fucking work of art. Ronan couldn’t think of a single person he ever knew in his life that had been dealt a shittier hand than Adam Parrish. But he knew from day one that Adam was going to be the best of them. And it wasn’t just that he worked hard, he kept his heart about him. His goodness. That kindness in him that made Ronan feel sad because he could see underneath and with the heavy bagged-eyes that he was barely holding on.  
  
He wanted to tell Adam that it was okay. He wanted to say, “I’m choosing you, if no one else does.” Instead, Ronan leans face-first into the steering wheel, resting a cheek there and still looking at him. That’s when Adam’s ears began to burn red, as if now he was aware that he was being stared at. He swallowed hard and furrowed his brows and god it was beautiful.  
  
And just as Ronan was beginning to wonder if Adam had ever been kissed, that’s when Adam said, “I’ll see you tomorrow?” and it didn’t feel as harshly as rejection as Ronan thought it would.  
  
“Yeah Parrish,” his voice was gruffer than usual, not quite a whisper. Adam smiled weakly, not his usual nervous polite smile. This was soft and sleepy. Ronan felt everything in his inner cavities seize and contract. When he opened his car door and placed a foot out, Adam looked back at Ronan and laughed. Just for a moment, as if he’d been holding it in. He shook his head and Ronan smiled. “It makes sense doesn’t it,” he breathed.  
  
Ronan sat up a bit, “What?”  
  
“I can’t get liked by anyone and turns out the only person that does, is you. And you don’t even like me that much.”  
  
Ronan suddenly wants to apologize for ever cruel thing he’s ever said about Adam, but Adam doesn’t sound bitter. Ironically amused. And Ronan laughs at that too.  
  
He closes his eyes for just a moment, a long enough moment to feel soft lips peck his cheek. By the time Ronan opens his eyes, the passenger side door has slammed shut and he can see Adam jogging up the church steps. His entire face numbs out and he doesn’t even realize that his mouth has hung open a bit until he closes it, placing a finger to the place Adam’s lips had just been. He wants to save it forever.  
  
Adam’s smiling when he looks back, just before disappearing inside and Ronan wants to light something on fire.  
  
Neither of them sleep well that night. And neither of them mind much.


End file.
